Strong Woman Chronicles

Birth of a New Strong Woman

I'm back. Reborn.

Right now that's all...

Reborn. With absolute differences.

Back. And irrevocably changed.

Back. Same, same but oh so stronger.

I intend to dive in and share.

Soon.

For now, blessings to you wherever you are in the world. It's Thanksgiving for those in the United States. I send you love and deepest thanks for everything.

Lesson 7 from New York

LESSON (7) You can have it all.  Whatever 'all' - in your definition - looks like.

Whether it's Michael's example of a new and gorgeous home, sizzling

New York City

friendships, 16-month old Jake, and a fully-engaged team of Vice-Presidents in the business...

Or Milana's life with 2 grade-school children, over 17 product lines built with as many partners, and a significant six-figure business on a seriously part-time income...all starting from scratch as a young woman from the Ukraine...

Your definition of 'all' is really possible...and much more easily through collaboration.  But why is this on a list of lessons(most) taught at the conference?

Because I hope the three presenters brought home this one small distinction - you get to choose exactly what it all looks like, there is no 'one right way.' For better or worse, you have to (get to) stand up in leadership on this one.

Lesson 6 from New York

LESSON (6) Receiving is still the biggest obstacle to most business owner's success, bar none.

In a certain sense, the agenda of the event was designed to maximize the element of 'receiving.'  Some people felt there could have been even more, and I agree.

That said...there was still a goodly number of participants who subconsciously, for the most part, were saying 'no' to the help that was seeking them.  I've said so much about this lately, I'll leave it at this:

How are you saying no to help in your business, today?

Just don't let the brevity of this point make you think it's less important, it's not. This question is at the heart of everything. Try changing the word business in the question to 'life'...see what you get there.

Lesson 5 from New York

LESSON (5) In our world of access to intimacy, even with strangers, being inconsiderate is inexcusable.

Michael

gave a great example of this.  After months of preparation for the launch of his new book Booked Solid, he and his team had achieved the mountaintop.  The launch was a phenomenal success. Did I mention he's Amazon Business Book Number 2?

So what did someone - basically a stranger - do the day after the big launch?  They wrote a lengthy email to Michael proposing a big project.  Now when I say lengthy, I mean lengthy - Michael talked about the email on his phone - dense paragraphs of text, etc.

Michael said a few things about this at the event, but here's what I can add.  If you want to build a relationship with and perhaps create something together that supports both of our businesses - don't give me something heavy to lift the day after I've completed something big.  It's inconsiderate.

Solution? Relate.  Relate to your potential partners as real people with real lives.  Look for opportunities to build real relationships.  How about a congratulations note to Michael, plain and simple?  Read blogs, newsletters and the acknowledgements section of books.  Listen to podcasts, attend free calls.  Enter the stream of conversation that's going on, and

*then* decide how to approach the person.

Remember, the best, most profitable and most meaningful joint ventures occur when two or more businesses on their chosen course, intersect, like two streets crossing each other.  The intersection is where the cool stuff happens - all parties benefit.

Don't try to go through an intersection if it's closed for the moment doing repairs or opening up a few extra lanes. Get it?

Lesson 4 from New York

LESSON(4) You have to be able to talk about the money.

The segments on money at the Conference were among the *most* talked about.

The most extended (due to lots of questions from attendees).  And the most inquired about after the conference - "I like the formula Andrea, but what do I do when..."

Although the ferocity of the response surprised Andrea at first, it makes sense.

If you can't talk about the money part of joint ventures, they won't work.

You can propose a (brief) wonderful idea, and the partner might bite, but you have to be able to clear-headedly know how to navigate the 'how do we split the money' conversation.

If you can't, Andrea suggests you don't try to joint venture until you can.

Once you can, it's a huge relief and frees up a whole lot of energy.  The nice thing is, once you know the formula (and the exceptions), talking about the money can be easy. So make sure you think about the money conversation, sooner rather than later.

let me know if you'd like me to email you the formula Andrea suggested on how to divide/negotiate money with collaborators. It's simple, it's liberating and it's too damn hard to convert into this format right now! [Yep I'm a blonde]

Lessson 3 from New York

LESSON(3) In the very best of collaborations, every party should come away thinking they got the best part of the deal. Yes I mean it – you each need t really feel you are getting the BEST deal. Bit like in a marriage or romantic relationship – if you think you are getting the rotten deal – well hey what are you doing there?

Milana Leshinsky http://www.milana.com brought this point home so very elegantly. Although scientifically speaking, it may be impossible for everyone to feel like they got the long end of the stick, in a very real way, it can be done.

For example, in the partnership Milana, Andrea & Michael formed to create the Collaboration Conference, and they each got very different, valuable things.

Consider in your life, your business - in which relationships do you feel you are getting the better deal? Dare to explore this one.

Lesson 2 from New York

LESSON(2) When you're thinking about exactly what to say to a potential collaborator to get that magic 'yes,' less is more.  In fact, less is so much more than more, it's ridiculous.

When you are building a relationship with a new person, whether it's in your personal life or more specifically in the form of new joint venture partnerships for your business...go easy.

Like the character in the movie 'American Pie,' it's not hard to slip into verbal diarrhea and give way too much information.  ("And this one time, at scouts camp...")  Instead, dial it down.  Think in terms of providing just enough information to get a response like this: "Okay, you have me intrigued, go on."

The most successful joint venture proposals I've made have always been super, super light.  "What would you think of XYZ? It'd require an hour of your time and you'd reap the benefits for an indefinite amount of time.  I'd do the rest of the work."  Notice how a lot of details are actually missing here. But the key things are present:  The major benefit and the amount of investment on the part of your potential partner.

In fact, the very lightness of your proposal bodes well for you in the eyes of the proposee (word?)  Too much information doesn't get you anywhere.  In fact, it can hurt you.  That's why, I say again, "Less is more.  Less so much more than more, it's ridiculous."

Lesson 1 from New York's Conference

Over the course of 2 days focused on partnerships at the Power of Collaboration SuperConference in New York, we shared a lot, and particularly emphasized proven 'how-to' steps.  But truth be told, I'm an even bigger fan of some of the more intangible lessons.  Because if the inner work isn't done, your business-building foundation hasn't yet 'set' properly - and no amount of 'what to do' will help – know what I mean?

So as we head into the muggy month of June, I'm sharing the lessons I ***most*** hope will be useful for you from the SuperConference I attended earlier in the month.

If you didn't attend and have been waiting for the release of the online video, it's now available and avidly being watched as we speak, at http://www.PowerofCollaboration.com.  Be one of the first to order and receive a never-before-offered document on advanced money-sharing strategies...

LESSON (1)

Have separate lists for practical 'to dos' versus juicy ideas.

This can't be overemphasized, simple as it may seem.  As an entrepreneur, you are by nature, a creative force to be reckoned with.

And if you don't follow this advice, sooner or later you will have to reckon with yourself.  That is, you will start to suffer (burn out, get resentful, piss off your loved ones, or just freeze in complete overwhelm) under the weight of all your great ideas.

Solution: Be crystal clear.  Ideas are great! You don't want to turn off that natural, boundless energy.  Just put them in their place.  And judiciously and conscientiously select from your idea bucket to feed your active 'to do' list.

Selfish is a Dirty Word

I received a comment from one ‘Strong Woman Chronicles’ reader after the CEO’s dilemma blog entry.

What wonderful questions and insights – thank you dear reader.

Here’s a snippet from the mail: ‘Danusia, are you suggesting that she adopt a selfish approach?...... It is one thing to promote empowerment and it is quite another to promote selfishness and disrespect.’

How I’d love to answer that – and I’m hoping I can do this succinctly.

In a nutshell, yes I am advocating a selfish approach.

Let me tell you what I mean by ‘selfish’.

If selfish means to live with integrity, listening to one’s own heart, following this with actions that honour what you need, then let that be so. In my world that is not ‘selfish’ but rather living from being ‘self-centered’. Or to be even more precise, when we are ‘centred in ourself’ we are connected to what we truly need. Ideally, we can then voice this in ways that respect other’s needs also ~

This is not about a win-lose situation in which you are self-centred and expect others to cow-tow to you… a win-win [where each person is loved and honoured] is only possible when each person gets in touch with herself or himself, in the first instance. And that means beginning with self.

We get used to, especially as women, to ‘thinking over there’ to ‘what others need’ or to ‘feeling what it’s like to be in their shoes’. This is a gift needed in any relationship. Yet, when we do this as the first step, forgetting to connect first with ourselves just in case we are called ‘selfish’ - the danger is we become invisible to ourselves.

Being called selfish is one helluva powerful way of halting women in their tracks. Many of us will do anything to avoid people thinking this of us. And in the end, rather than go for what we know we yearn for [but might look or seem selfish to others] we give up on ourselves.

And then we get nasty, depressed, bitter, cynical, flat-lined, fire on reduced cylinders, […….] you fill the gap.

Here’s a request: take some time today to go inside and connect with where you are at [do it in whatever way works best for you]; then ask yourself ‘If I were self-centred, what would change in my life?

Let me know how you get on.

Inbox Treasure from a Strong Women

An email landed in my Inbox last night from a CEO - Award-winning poet, film producer & thought leader are among her talents. 

“Tonight I had a bit of a meltdown.  My partner at times makes me feel that I can do nothing right. He says: I don't clean enough, I'm not organized enough, it's because of my disorganization that he has to stay in his job that he desperately wants to leave -- frankly I think that's unfair. 

There’s this pressure he puts on me, that it's my turn to support him because he has done so in the past.  I wish I could but I cannot guarantee the income he says I should provide to make this happen.  I am killing myself to make everything work – the company, us, life.  I have no one to clean the house, do the laundry or make dinner.  I can't win.  Nothing is good enough.

Am I putting up with too much?  Perhaps I am very disorganized?  Is this what happens to women CEOs?  I can't even think straight.  All that I know is that this has to be resolved.  I don't feel I am my own woman anymore"

My answer was this:

Your parther is projecting his stuff onto you - if you take it on then you will indeed be in a no win position and will not be your own woman. He needs to look at his own yearnings [to have more freedom, to pursue the career/job he longs for] - none of this is your responsibility to make happen. Sure you can support him in his journey but bottom-line it is up to him to have the ‘nerve’ to create it.

OK so I can imagine you might go to the money thing - but when all is said and done we make CHOICES about what we have to have in life, what minimal standards we will live with. His and your heart must be clear about where your values are. Does he want, truly long for, must have or he'll die....the job he wants. OR instead will he accept a half-lived life in which he has more comfort, a little more security but a job he longs to discard? Leaping off the precipice is scary and is the only way to make what he wants come - all the time he looks more at you to provide the conditions for him to blossom, he is avoiding his own responsibility.

This is the intertwined thing about being in relationship. You MUST concentrate on what makes your heart sing - and he must do the same. They are separate. AND they need to occupy the same space alongside one another and find your joint path.

You are doing your BEST. Period. Sure the business is not allowing him to leave his job. What is he doing to make this happen for himself? If, god forbid, you were knocked down by a bus today - what would he do about his situation? We get wrapped up ‘in relationship’ that we forget we have to do this for ourselves, ultimately.

Build your dream. Build it because your soul must do it. Be responsible for that yourself. Refuse to take the blame for where he is in life. Appreciate the help he's given you as you've been building this - but don't allow him to demand a quid pro quo that says it is now your turn to come up with some money to allow him to do his thing. The circumstances are different. Your wish is there - the point is this is not possible right now. And that is not about inadequacy on your part. I repeat you are doing your best.

What do you think?