Selfish is a Dirty Word

I received a comment from one ‘Strong Woman Chronicles’ reader after the CEO’s dilemma blog entry.

What wonderful questions and insights – thank you dear reader.

Here’s a snippet from the mail: ‘Danusia, are you suggesting that she adopt a selfish approach?...... It is one thing to promote empowerment and it is quite another to promote selfishness and disrespect.’

How I’d love to answer that – and I’m hoping I can do this succinctly.

In a nutshell, yes I am advocating a selfish approach.

Let me tell you what I mean by ‘selfish’.

If selfish means to live with integrity, listening to one’s own heart, following this with actions that honour what you need, then let that be so. In my world that is not ‘selfish’ but rather living from being ‘self-centered’. Or to be even more precise, when we are ‘centred in ourself’ we are connected to what we truly need. Ideally, we can then voice this in ways that respect other’s needs also ~

This is not about a win-lose situation in which you are self-centred and expect others to cow-tow to you… a win-win [where each person is loved and honoured] is only possible when each person gets in touch with herself or himself, in the first instance. And that means beginning with self.

We get used to, especially as women, to ‘thinking over there’ to ‘what others need’ or to ‘feeling what it’s like to be in their shoes’. This is a gift needed in any relationship. Yet, when we do this as the first step, forgetting to connect first with ourselves just in case we are called ‘selfish’ - the danger is we become invisible to ourselves.

Being called selfish is one helluva powerful way of halting women in their tracks. Many of us will do anything to avoid people thinking this of us. And in the end, rather than go for what we know we yearn for [but might look or seem selfish to others] we give up on ourselves.

And then we get nasty, depressed, bitter, cynical, flat-lined, fire on reduced cylinders, […….] you fill the gap.

Here’s a request: take some time today to go inside and connect with where you are at [do it in whatever way works best for you]; then ask yourself ‘If I were self-centred, what would change in my life?

Let me know how you get on.

Comments

[MMST]

I clearly see where our perspectives differ; at least linguistically.

My usage of the word *selfish* is derived from its most common definition, i.e., "Concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure at the expense of consideration for others".

I, like you, am a strong proponent of nurturing one's "true self". Sadly, women have been socialised to adopt selflessness as a virtue, which has not served them well.

I will most certainly ponder your question, "If I were self-centred, what would change in my life?". Perhaps the answers will surprise me.

Thank you!

[scirocco]

Hmmmn,

Wonderful food for thought...

Is there not a danger however of taking this to an extreme & becoming narcisitic & so focussed on ones own agenda so completely then you become totally oblivious to those others around you too?

Your idea of Self-Centred reminds me very much of the Shakespearean quote about "To thine own self be true", but there is also a much darker quote that leaps to mind too from more recently "Do as thou wilt & that shalt be the whole of the law", Alister Crowley...

This second quote is a perversion of an old Wiccan creed - "Do as thou wilt but harm none". Personally, I find this second idea much more palatable, i.e. its OK and valid to put your own needs & wants first, as long as they dont harm others around you.

I'm not criticising your stance here by the way, infact as a life long perpetual self sacrificer, I applaud it. It just concerns me the consequences of passing through the realms of selfishness into self-centred, but then beyond into the realm of narcicism...