Inbox Treasure from a Strong Women

An email landed in my Inbox last night from a CEO - Award-winning poet, film producer & thought leader are among her talents. 

“Tonight I had a bit of a meltdown.  My partner at times makes me feel that I can do nothing right. He says: I don't clean enough, I'm not organized enough, it's because of my disorganization that he has to stay in his job that he desperately wants to leave -- frankly I think that's unfair. 

There’s this pressure he puts on me, that it's my turn to support him because he has done so in the past.  I wish I could but I cannot guarantee the income he says I should provide to make this happen.  I am killing myself to make everything work – the company, us, life.  I have no one to clean the house, do the laundry or make dinner.  I can't win.  Nothing is good enough.

Am I putting up with too much?  Perhaps I am very disorganized?  Is this what happens to women CEOs?  I can't even think straight.  All that I know is that this has to be resolved.  I don't feel I am my own woman anymore"

My answer was this:

Your parther is projecting his stuff onto you - if you take it on then you will indeed be in a no win position and will not be your own woman. He needs to look at his own yearnings [to have more freedom, to pursue the career/job he longs for] - none of this is your responsibility to make happen. Sure you can support him in his journey but bottom-line it is up to him to have the ‘nerve’ to create it.

OK so I can imagine you might go to the money thing - but when all is said and done we make CHOICES about what we have to have in life, what minimal standards we will live with. His and your heart must be clear about where your values are. Does he want, truly long for, must have or he'll die....the job he wants. OR instead will he accept a half-lived life in which he has more comfort, a little more security but a job he longs to discard? Leaping off the precipice is scary and is the only way to make what he wants come - all the time he looks more at you to provide the conditions for him to blossom, he is avoiding his own responsibility.

This is the intertwined thing about being in relationship. You MUST concentrate on what makes your heart sing - and he must do the same. They are separate. AND they need to occupy the same space alongside one another and find your joint path.

You are doing your BEST. Period. Sure the business is not allowing him to leave his job. What is he doing to make this happen for himself? If, god forbid, you were knocked down by a bus today - what would he do about his situation? We get wrapped up ‘in relationship’ that we forget we have to do this for ourselves, ultimately.

Build your dream. Build it because your soul must do it. Be responsible for that yourself. Refuse to take the blame for where he is in life. Appreciate the help he's given you as you've been building this - but don't allow him to demand a quid pro quo that says it is now your turn to come up with some money to allow him to do his thing. The circumstances are different. Your wish is there - the point is this is not possible right now. And that is not about inadequacy on your part. I repeat you are doing your best.

What do you think?

Comments

[MMST]

Danusia, are you suggesting that she adopt a selfish approach?

You say, "Refuse to take the blame for where he is in life." I agree with that statement in general but I wonder if she possibly acted in bad faith and entered into an agreement that she had no intention to live up to. If that is the case, then I think your advice does not apply.

It is one thing to promote empowerment and it is quite another to promote selfishness and disrespect. His words are harsh and he is obviously not in a happy place, but most people tend to react poorly when others take advantage of them.

You say, "The circumstances are different." Why? Is it because she is unwilling to make the same sacrifices he made, or is it that she needs more time? If the former, then she is out of line. If the latter, then she must negotiate.

I'm not sure there is enough information to form a clear opinion either way. Nevertheless, inequity in relationships always spells trouble in my experience.